Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that I just got my first review for ABORT Magazine published. I got the chance to see, and critique Jason Bonham’s Led Zeppelin Experience live at the Commodore. Here is the link to the article:
I look forward to more opportunities in the future, and appreciate the opportunity.
Anxiety in a Breakup
There’s a lot of emotions one goes through in a breakup. Amongst the tears and sighs, there’s a sense of heartbreak people often confuse for depression, though it is fair to say you’re depressed, there is a difference. However, people suffering from depression may be affected a lot more in instances like breaking up with someone. Some have even killed themselves from such an event. This blog is not is not about the depression aspect or hard feelings felt after a breakup, it is about the anxiety from multiple triggers in these events, and how to neutralize the anxiety from a first hand perspective, the millennial perspective.
After my break up I felt all of the above things and more. I was in a really low state for quite some time. The anxiety within me was more victimizing than the breakup itself however. It was hard to even contemplate getting back into the swing of things. Not only dating, but living a new routine, or my old routine. I was once again limited to my setting in White Rock, and I felt like I had no one. Especially considering the timing when I was already trying to come back from a slump, only to fall deeper into the slump with heartbreak. I stopped talking to people as much, I hid away as much as possible. I once again had issues trusting people with anything. I’d always worry about running into the now ex-girlfriend. I didn’t want to leave the house for fear that I’d see her. I was worrying about what she might say or do, or if her friends would get involved. I had asked her to leave me alone before only to be threatened by her and her new boyfriend. Since they’re theater crew, they must love drama. But then, today I ran into her. I was walking to the Skytrain after my midterm and she was coming up the hill as I was going down. She looked just as miserable as I was before, and for some reason that lifted a lot of anxiety of my shoulders. I believe it’s because nothing happened and now my fear of being harassed more by her is gone, or it could be that I finally understand the breakup took a toll on her as well. But whatever it is, when I ran into her today, I was already in a better place. I didn’t avoid her, or run away because I already fixed my anxiety about the situation, and this is how:
Accept that situations were beyond my control.
This was a really hard one to accomplish for me. I’ve always tried to put myself in situations that I was in control of, but the reality of it is, when you really think about it. We don’t control much. In fact, out of everything that happens in our lives, we control very little. We don’t control genetics, or where we’re brought up, but we also don’t control who we run into (in my case, I couldn’t control if I ran into my ex or not) or who we meet that help take the pain away. However, we DO chose to keep those that take our pain away, or at least you should, I highly recommend it. The first step to ending my breakup anxiety was easily realizing I can’t do anything about it.
Being distracted is usually a bad thing. We distract ourselves from essay’s, work, etc. But if you have anxiety after a breakup, distractions can work wonders. My distractions were meeting new people, hanging out with friends, playing video games on my days off, and doing good deeds for others. Sometimes the best way to make yourself feel better, is to make someone else feel better. Maybe distract yourself with more structure in your life. Stick to a schedule, focus on what mattes most. Distractions are a nice way to repel negativity.
Write about how you feel.
I’m not sure if this works for everyone. Maybe some people don’t write ever, but it’s something I do on a daily basis. With the last blog, for example, I found simply writing my insight down helped get a lot of the breakup anxiety out of me, then I started writing more things down on the side like a journal my counselor wants me to keep. Writing about anxiety in my experience definitely helps neutralize it.
Remain true to who you are.
Lots of people after breakup will try and become someone else as a defense mechanism, don’t do that. It won’t help eliminate the anxiety you have, and has potential to create even more. There’s a reason someone appreciated you for who you were, and there will be people in the future appreciating you for who you are. If you decide to change, change in ways that might be productive. Change to being more mature, change to being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, be more accepting. Don’t turn into a disrespectful jerk who just wants to go out and have fun. And if you do, at least avoid alcohol, it’s a depressant after all.
Pretend to be happy if you need to.
I read somewhere that pretending to be happy is very likely to make you happier. It attracts positive energy, and negative energy is repelled. In my experience this is true because when I am down, people tend to try and lower me even more, but when I am up, everyone else is too.
My example: the last time I was down I was threatened with a gun, a knife, and mace all within two weeks.
It might be worth it to give it a shot since nobody likes to be threatened. Faking a smile could be your best weapon.
Finding love in the right places.
Think about where you went wrong in your last relationship and learn from it. Also learn from how the ex might have changed throughout the relationship as their true colors started to show. Separate what you like and want to see in a person to date from negative things you wish your ex didn’t start doing. Only then should you allow yourself to see other people. You don’t want anxiety from a last relationship transferring over and causing issues with a new one. Be mature, and responsible, and think about what you need rather than what you want. Don’t break any hearts just because you don’t know what you’re doing. Be patient, and keep your chin up. All the good things you wish to see in a future spouse are in somebody out there, and they’re waiting for you.
I’ve been away for a while because things have gone from bad to worse lately. Only in the last couple days have things gotten better.
I’ve been thinking about doing this blog for a very long time, as I believe it can help people, however, I’ve always been somewhat insecure about talking about it. It’s a sensitive issue for most people, and I’m afraid people will see it as my way of complaining about my issues, however, it couldn’t be further from the truth. With a little help, and guidance from my friends, they told me to go ahead and talk openly about my issues with anxiety.
Before I go on any more, these are certainly MY issues. I’m not interested in blaming people for them, despite the fact that I sometimes do as a defense mechanism. I acknowledge the fact that in most situations, I am the problem because most people do not understand anxiety. If people cannot see something, usually they don’t believe it. In my experience, this is a fact. Even when something is explained, most people still have issues understanding or believing. As I’ve said, this post is about trying to help people in the future on the sensitive issue of anxiety.
Anxiety, what it is in my experience:
For me, anxiety is an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion induced by stress usually. In my life, most of my anxiety came from things not going as planned. If I put a lot of effort into planning something and it ended up exploding in my face for whatever reason, I would have a tremendous panic attack. Things have always been, and continue to be this way for me. Anxiety stifles my breathing, makes me lightheaded, gives me tunnel vision, often it nullifies my ability to think rationally, and almost always it makes me very sleepy after a big panic attack. Overly negative people have also always been a trigger to my panic attacks, as well as people over reacting to something I say (like taking a joke seriously). This is a part of being unable to control my surroundings, which is something people with anxiety have issues dealing with. They think they need to be able to control everything, even things well beyond their control. I’ve been in relationships, and friendships with people who don’t understand, this is my attempt at helping people understand not just for me, but other people who suffer from the same thing.
Being in a relationship with someone with anxiety:
I guess the first thing to mention is you should be honest no matter what. When people with anxiety catch you in a lie, they will forever think you’re lying to them, besides, there’s no point lying in a relationship to begin with. It’s unhealthy. Communication is definitely necessary for both parties, particularly the one suffering with anxiety. It’s best to talk about potential triggers of panic attacks and ways you can both avoid these triggers together, this requires a fair level of understanding from the less anxious party, as you have to think how things can affect your significant other. It’s hard to imagine what they’re going through, but think of it like this: The more anxiety we experience, the more damage it does to us, potentially taking years off our lives. Not to say that you’re killing anyone by triggering a panic attack, but you’re doing more damage than it seems, and most people with anxiety are too afraid to tell you, especially if you’re their significant other. To be fair, most people have an inability to see what’s wrong, so talk about it.
A lot of relationships are one sided. Most unsuccessful relationships, I can say from experience, are unsuccessful because one person has to do most of the work. Factoring in anxiety, if you’re the one with anxiety AND you’re also the one doing all the work, you’re going to have a really hard time.
In my experience I was in a relationship with a girl that lived about 2 hours away, and I bused out all the time to see her, but she never bused out to see me, past a certain point she didn’t even drive out to see me even when she could. This alone caused a lot of unneeded anxiety having to bus around so much Occasionally I’d have to bus to work early in the morning, and sometimes she’d request me to come out at very late hours of the night, sometimes impossible hours, in that the buses literally had already stopped running. To any average person, they’d just say no and be done with it, but to someone with anxiety they freak out because presenting them with an idea that they would consider, but can’t because of extenuating circumstances, they overreact. Like I said, we want to control things. SO thinking about what I said from my experience, you should consider both working together. Putting too much pressure on one person is enough to exhaust them, let alone someone with anxiety.
As I’ve said, communication is key, however, I should elaborate that FAIR communication is key. This means no pointing fingers. I’m guilty of doing this, as I’m sure many people with anxiety are. We tend to point fingers when experiencing overwhelming anxiety, or when we’re in a panic attack. Though the worst thing you can do when someone is having a panic attack is ignore them. Just change the subject and give them a bit more time to think before responding, make sure they’re okay, but don’t treat them much differently either. Just maintain a calm setting and avoid arguments even when the person experiencing the attack seems hostile. It will pass. Often times we say things in panic attacks we almost instantly regret. I can’t explain the science behind it, but I’ve personally said some hurtful things to some people when having a panic attack, I suspect it’s a defense mechanism. People with anxiety tend to push people away, especially when people get too close. Work together by talking about it. If something is compromised, work it out as a team. When things get rough, wait it out. The bad episodes pass and it’s best to weather the storm together. Encourage seeking help in the mental health sector, be there for them through the long mental health process, it’s a life lesson for both of you. All storms pass, and I like to say: There’s always bomb shelters in shit storms. And there’s nothing someone with anxiety needs more than having someone there for them through the good and bad. Too many times have we been abandoned by people, or we’ve pushed then away when things got rough. Finding someone that is willing to stick by you through the hard times is something I KNOW we all cherish.
If you’re early in a relationship with someone with anxiety, don’t rush things. Give yourselves enough space to go at a comfortable pace. Don’t be too emotional or overreact (or pretend to be offended,upset,etc.) with someone with anxiety early on, they may push you away before they want to just because they’re afraid you won’t be able to handle them at their worst. Give yourselves air to breathe. Think of anxiety in this case like the Sims. In the Sims you can give your characters a list of tasks to do, this list can get rather long, however, usually something goes wrong with the Sim and they decide they want food instead, or they break the toilet again. This can be related to rushing into a relationship because you are giving yourselves so many tasks so early on, and preparing for a long future when you don’t know what’s going to happen between now and getting married, particularly the thought that you might not even get that far.
Sure, it’s nice to think about and talk about but it’s overwhelming to people with anxiety to think years ahead, often times it’s hard for us to think days ahead, and as I’ve said, in my experience I try not to make plans because my panic attacks are most frequently induced when things don’t go as planned. Most relationships don’t go as planned, that’s part of the fun. Carpe diem as they say, seize the day, seize the moment. Living in the moment is usually better than dreaming of the future anyways. Relationships are not about the destination, they’re about the journey.
Seems hard? It’s not:
Most of the things I’ve talked about are actually basics of most successful relationships, just in more depth. Communication, working together, taking things slow, these are all things most people should consider anyways, but if you’re in a relationship with someone that suffers from anxiety, these are a few great pointers to consider when having to go through the rough times, but you’ll find that it’s worth it. We seem complex because most people don’t understand, but anything that stresses most people out just stresses us out significantly more. Nothing is particularly unrealistic, in fact, pampering should not be a way to deal with someone during a panic attack, as psychologically it could have the reverse effect.
I’ll be working on more blogs about anxiety as it is an issue I have to deal with every day, and I’d like to help people that have to deal with it as well. I’ll be talking to others with similar issues to site them in future anxiety blogs, also I’ll be writing one about break up’s from the perspective of the person with anxiety, as well as a blog about being friends with someone with anxiety. I hope some of these pointers help, please share this with anyone you know that has to live with anxiety in hopes that it may help them.
This is something I believe President Obama would endorse, and agree with.
I am proud to be part of a nation that doesn`t discriminate. Whether you are of different race, religion, or even what your sexual preference is. I am glad we have gone so far as to prosecute politicians that speak out against gays. Let`s keep this going towards the future. We are the future, we can make it end all together.
I am proud to be living in a nation that we created. A nation that the media could not prevent the growth of, that church could not defeat, not even got himself could stop it. This is a nation that support the homosexual community.
Many people tried to prevent this revolution. It took so many years to open up our minds into accepting the homosexual community, and so many wrong punishments towards it have now been abolished. NO LONGER can a man running for power in his country (Canada or America as I live in North America) say anything that belittles the homosexual community. If a politician or corporate, or banker say things like this now, they get in trouble.
The church has been against homosexuals for years. Long have they prosecuted men and women wrongly, but no longer. The majority of people in the world today are completely against this form of intolerance, and even better, most churches have homosexual members. And if any church was notorious for being against homosexuality, it would be on the hot seat as well and would soon change, or fall by the way side.
This has been a long movement towards the future. I believe as we move forward we will gain much more acceptance of each other as a united human race one day. They call it gay pride, well I may not be gay, but I am damn proud to live in a nation that is accepting and supportive of the homosexual community. It has been a step in the right direction, now let’s keep going people!
People often talk about how hard school is, or how hard learning is. Well, I’d like to respectfully disagree. Not only for the obvious point that if you do what you like, anything is fun and easy, but I will delve more into what it makes easier, and how the only thing is doesn’t help, particularly in British Columbia, is the wallet.
Post Secondary leads to a better life. This is a broad statement, but what I refer to is the fact that it opens up opportunities, MANY opportunities just by having a diploma. It shows employers that you are more trainable than others in that you can pick up a skill quickly after being briefly taught. This is a skill many don’t have, even some that DO have post secondary education, however, it does significantly help with applying places. Not just jobs either, careers. Never again will you have to work a 9 to 5 if you chose not to. School allows you freedom to chose a field that better suits your sleeping patterns, work preferences, etc. again, simply by having that little magical slip of paper.
Post secondary helps you meet new people. I can’t tell you how many new people I have met through school, many being new friends, friend I am sure I will keep for the rest of my life. Friends that will go on to do great things as well. Friends I will work with in the future. Friends that can introduce me to even more friends that strive towards the same distant, yet, attainable goal. A wise man once said life is like a box of chocolates, and what is a box of chocolates with only one chocolate in it?
LEARNING in general increases intellect if you’re doing it right. Chances are if you’re reading my blog and keeping up to date with it your intellect has improved (haha). But if you’re watching Jersey Shore and reading Snooki’s book while following tabloids on the side, chances are you are REDUCING your intellect.
Personally through my experience in advancing my English skills, I have gained a broad sense of our language, and have adapted an outstanding vocabulary. Friends of mine are often shocked at my ability to use words, and that I don’t always use big words when they find out just how extensive my vocabulary is. However, I don’t type like it often because I do not speak like it. In today’s day and age, most people have a very minute knowledge base of their own language, and that’s okay (well not really, but whatever). It’s my job as a writer to acknowledge this fact and bend my own words so everyone understands. However, my point can be summed up easily. I don’t know how many times I’ve avoided sounding like a jerk by saying someone lacks intellect, rather than saying they are stupid. This is because if I say someone lacks intellect, most people won’t know what it means, and the ones that do will still take a few moments to think about it, giving me enough time to run for the hills in case they throw the first punch.
All in all, education is the best thing we can do for ourselves, or if we are lucky, the best gift our parents can give us. I consider myself lucky to live in a country that allows such educational opportunities and a world of freedom once my eyes fully open. And ultimately, the tuition and textbooks can be next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. To end things off, I will quote another movie, my favorite movie, in saying: You know, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
So go out, get educated, avoid tabloids, and have fun. You only get one chance to prove you’ve got IT.
Adding on to what I had posted earlier, let us look back to the technology world.
Last night I was brainstorming of ways to push google+ into the future, and I thought of the Google Glasses.
For those that don’t know about this project, please click the link above, because this is what I will be discussing specifically.
What I thought of was allowing the user interface to support streaming to those that desire, and stream it right onto their google+ accounts. How awesome would it be if your parents were on vacation in Italy or something, and wanted to stream you a tour of a particular site, say, The Colosseum, they could live stream it to share across Google+. This idea would be interesting as well if it also allowed for live streaming of criminal activity for example. Maybe the police would utilize this for a swift punishment tool. To launch the glasses they could, for example, have sites in Time Square and across other major cities where video from their respective location was bouncing around to all of these other places, and vise versa. They could even experiment with the cloud, the potential is limitless. These glasses allow some really interesting connectivity. The likes of which we have never seen. In a world where accessibility and communication is key, these glasses can be that key.
Food for thought.
Perhaps to get over this looming sense of entitlement we must first realize how little we mean to the world and how much we can mean to each other. For if not for you and me, life would be different. I can change someone’s life with a smile, but to change mother Earth is to harm it. We are merely a creature living on her, to be disposed of in a flash hurricane or a big quake. As they say, life’s too short to be a dick, and despite only living once (contrary to my belief as a Buddhist) you only live once too. The decisions we make, interactions we have, things we say may echo in eternity or fade out into the great nether. So which do you want to be? Someone who is always remembered, or someone people dream to forget. Ultimately you decide. But in the words of The Beatles: “Every one of us is all we need.”
You see, when I say troll, I don’t mean the mythical creature. Not the one that waits underneath bridges, not the playable race in World of Warcraft, no, not even the troll that entered through the dungeon in Harry Potter and the Philosophers stone (that’s right, I am Canadian. Vancouver BC!). The troll I speak of today is the infamous internet trolls. These are just every day people on the outside, but inside they are more tortured and angry than… well… an emo from the 90s. It is still unknown as to why, but trolls just wish to ruin your day and treat you like garbage for something as little as saying hello, or something as big as your mother. These are not nice people, but once they have decided to pick you as their next target, what do you do? With my four step, completely TOLL free program, you will be TROLL free for life.
Step one: Make sure they’re indeed a troll. I have seen many people mistake normal assholes for trolls. Remember that the average troll will latch onto you to single you out for others to laugh at. They may say things as minimal as call you a fag or say you’re stupid, even if what you are saying is true, or do many numbers of things. Trolls are the ones that go overboard. Regular assholes won’t really go out of their way to provoke you, or make you feel bad. They will just make a point, and move on.
Step two: Once you have identified someone is a troll, you tell them to can it. Many trolls don’t expect an aggressive response like that, they expect you to defend yourself more than tell them to take a hike. This is because if you defend yourself they will proceed to push even more buttons. Don’t give them the satisfaction. After all, a great offense is the best defense. 😉
Step three: If step two doesn’t work and they are continuing to badger you, simply ignore them. Even if they are spamming your inbox, home page, etc. if you ignore them, they will eventually get bored and give up. Trolls may like the attention, but even they have boundaries. Don’t let anything crack your armor, completely ignore them and you will be fine.
Step four: In the highly unlikely event that your troll continues to harass you after the previous three steps and approximately a week to two weeks time, this is when you proceed with reporting them, blocking them, etc. Especially if it is still going on for two weeks. In this time you have given the troll sufficient warning, you have shown him or her that you are not interested in what they have to say, and most importantly, you have attempted to remove yourself from the situation. If they persist after all of this then feel free to report them, block them, hell, feel free to nuke them after that kind of harassment. Sure, it’s not cool to report people, but you must set boundaries. If not to defend yourself, then to defend the next guy to fall after you. But why should you fall? This is the only step to defend yourself against the troll, and only by means of putting your foot down and reporting/blocking him or her. DO NOT WARN THEM OR SEND THEM A MESSAGE OF ANY SORT AT THIS STAGE. It is too late for warnings, if you warn them they will simply try and retrace their footsteps, argue their own point of why they are in the right, etc. Trolls are sneaky, they have a way of getting out of trouble when warned. Besides, most, if not all of the Customer Support lines out there will be able to trace the messages/posts and will be able to see everything you write. Warning the troll will only raise questions to them. I cannot stress that enough. If you have to deal with a troll all the way up to this step, please do not send them a single warning message. You will just dig yourself a bigger grave.
In the highly unlikely even that you require further help past my program, I also offer assassination services for a small fee. Haha! Just kidding. No, if it takes this much effort to still have the troll win (99% chance they won’t be bothering you for this long though) contact the authorities, and more importantly, seek hugs from a loved one. Trolls can be very frustrating, especially if you don’t know how to handle one. Personally I have had friends that were very notorious trolls. I’ve been around them, I know how they think. If you follow my five steps, you will be very safe against the trolls on the internet.
If you liked this post, tell your friends. Bookmark this page, follow me on twitter @duffladcyre , and you can expect more postings in the future. good luck facing the notorious internet troll. You will survive.